You know this person. Within thirty seconds of sharing something personal, the conversation has somehow pivoted to their life story. What seems like simple narcissism might actually be something far more complex — a broken form of empathy that processes the world exclusively through their own experiences.
This behavior isn’t just annoying social etiquette. According to research on conversational patterns, people who constantly redirect conversations back to themselves are often operating with a version of empathy that can only understand others by filtering everything through their own lens. And most of the time, they have no idea they’re doing it.
The distinction matters because understanding the root cause changes how we respond to these interactions — and potentially how we recognize this pattern in ourselves.
The Science Behind Conversational Narcissism
Sociologist Charles Derber spent years studying everyday conversations, recording and analyzing over a hundred informal dinner conversations. His findings, published in “The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life,” revealed a consistent pattern he termed “conversational narcissism.”
Derber identified two distinct types of responses people give in conversation. The first is a “shift response,” which redirects focus from the speaker to the listener. When you say “I’m feeling really stressed out,” and they reply “Yeah, I’ve been so stressed too,” that’s a shift response.
The second type is a “support response,” which keeps the focus on the original speaker. Something like “What’s been going on?” maintains attention on your experience rather than pivoting to theirs.
Most people who chronically redirect conversations don’t do it through dramatic interruptions. Instead, they consistently overuse shift responses while underusing support responses. They sprinkle in just enough acknowledgment to seem engaged, but the conversation slowly drifts toward them every time.
Why This Isn’t Actually Narcissism
When someone hears your story and immediately launches into their own similar experience, they’re often not trying to one-up you. In their mind, they’re relating to you. They’re saying “I understand” in the only way they know how — by finding a matching experience inside themselves.
The problem is that this kind of empathy has a major blind spot. It never actually gets to your experience. It bounces off the surface of what you said and lands right back in their world.
Psychologists distinguish between different types of empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand what someone else is thinking or feeling. Emotional empathy is when you actually feel what they feel. Compassionate empathy combines understanding with motivation to help.
What chronic conversation-redirectors typically have is a narrow version of cognitive empathy. They can recognize that you’re going through something, but they can only process it by mapping it onto their own life. They hear “I’m going through a divorce” and their brain immediately pulls up their own relationship struggles — not because they don’t care about yours, but because their internal software only has one reference library: themselves.
Understanding the Different Response Patterns
Derber’s research revealed specific patterns in how people navigate conversations. Understanding these patterns can help identify when empathy is genuinely connecting versus when it’s redirecting.
| Response Type | Example | Effect on Conversation |
|---|---|---|
| Shift Response | “I’ve been stressed too” | Redirects attention to listener |
| Support Response | “What’s causing your stress?” | Maintains focus on original speaker |
| Mixed Response | “That sounds tough. I remember when…” | Acknowledges then redirects |
The key insight from this research is that most conversational narcissism happens through subtle, repeated patterns rather than obvious attention-grabbing behaviors. People using broken empathy often believe they’re being supportive when they’re actually redirecting.
The Deeper Roots of This Behavior
This pattern often traces back to childhood experiences, which transforms an annoying social habit into something more complex and, frankly, heartbreaking. Research in attachment theory shows that people who grew up with inconsistent emotional support often develop this filtered approach to empathy as a survival mechanism.
When someone’s early experiences taught them that their own emotions weren’t consistently acknowledged or validated, they may have learned to connect with others by immediately relating everything back to their own experience. It becomes their primary method for processing emotional information.
This isn’t conscious manipulation or self-centeredness. It’s often a learned response from people who genuinely want to connect but only know how to do it through their own emotional vocabulary.
How This Affects Real Relationships
Understanding the mechanism behind conversational redirection doesn’t make it less frustrating to experience. When you’re sharing something important and the conversation immediately shifts to someone else’s experience, it can feel dismissive and invalidating.
The challenge is that the person doing this often believes they’re being empathetic. They think sharing their similar experience demonstrates understanding and creates connection. Meanwhile, the person trying to share feels unheard and secondary.
This creates a cycle where both people walk away feeling misunderstood. The original speaker feels ignored, while the redirector feels like they were being supportive and connecting over shared experiences.
Breaking this cycle requires recognizing the difference between relating to someone and truly listening to them. Genuine empathy involves sitting with someone else’s experience without immediately translating it into your own terms.
Recognizing and Addressing the Pattern
The first step in addressing conversational narcissism — whether in yourself or others — is recognizing that it’s often not intentional. People operating with filtered empathy genuinely believe they’re connecting and supporting others.
For those who recognize this pattern in themselves, the solution involves consciously practicing support responses instead of defaulting to shift responses. This means asking follow-up questions about the other person’s experience rather than immediately sharing your own.
When dealing with someone who consistently redirects conversations, understanding the underlying mechanism can help reduce frustration. Rather than assuming malicious self-centeredness, recognizing it as a limited form of empathy can inform how you respond.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all shift responses — sharing related experiences can be part of healthy conversation. The issue arises when shift responses consistently dominate, leaving little space for the original speaker’s experience to be fully heard and acknowledged.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is conversational narcissism the same as clinical narcissism?
No, conversational narcissism as identified by Derber is a communication pattern that can occur in people without narcissistic personality traits.
How can I tell if I’m doing this in my own conversations?
Pay attention to whether you’re asking follow-up questions about others’ experiences or immediately sharing your own similar stories.
What’s the difference between relating and redirecting?
Relating involves acknowledging the other person’s experience first, while redirecting immediately shifts focus to your own experience without fully exploring theirs.
Can people change this conversational pattern?
Yes, since it’s often unconscious behavior, becoming aware of the pattern is the first step toward developing more balanced conversational habits.
Why do some people develop this filtered form of empathy?
Research suggests it often stems from childhood experiences where people learned to process emotions primarily through their own reference points rather than learning to sit with others’ experiences.
Is it ever appropriate to share similar experiences in conversation?
Yes, sharing related experiences can be part of healthy conversation, but it works best when balanced with support responses that keep some focus on the original speaker.
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